Dating again after a long term relationship ends is just bizarre. A voice in my head kept saying, “you’re not allowed to do this!” Unlike the experiences of my younger years as a teenager and twenty-something woman, dating today was actually quite enjoyable. Much to my astonishment, selfish boys had become appreciative men and because I had set my intention to shift my approach from “horrified” to “excited”, my experience demonstrated the latter. I would say if you go into dating with negativity, fear, or assuming you will never find what you’re looking for, then the universe will match every single negative belief and intention you can throw at it. It’s all about your energy: what energy are you creating with moment to moment? What is the quality of energy stirring inside your body when you think of dating? Or when you think of anything, for that matter? Notice, notice, notice.
Wake up and notice what a POWERFUL CREATOR you are in your world and in other people’s worlds, too.
I had set my intention to totally open my mind and redefine what dating meant to me. Cleared the slate, used the Buddhist “I don’t know mind” to approach it without being tethered to past experiences. “I don’t know what I’ll find if I go out with this person. I don’t know what their personality/energy will bring out in me. I don’t know, let me go and be 100% present and see what I find.”
I love the feeling of being a complete stranger to myself, of letting go of all of my own opinions on who I am and who I should be.
There is tremendous relief in freeing the mind from gripping any particular identity or version of reality! I threw out every old version of dating, of my sexual identity, and all preferences that my mind had attached to.
I didn’t look long before I stumbled upon someone very precious. Actually most of the people I interacted with were quite lovely. I ended up having a highly positive dating experience overall!! There is value in creating a detailed list describing the person or people you are inviting into your life. As I look at that list now, I was absolutely attracting those qualities and now have a person in my life who can easily be described in the words I wrote months or even years ago. And it doesn’t just stop at your intimate partner, I have fabulous people in my writing group and new friends I love who also resonate with the energies I was asking to come into my life. I asked for spontaneity, copious amounts of laughter, and peace.
Thank you to every soul who dances and plays alongside me while we share these beautiful energies together!
This morning I was organizing a pile of papers and I picked up this old notebook. I’d guess this passage was from about 2.5 years ago. What I love about it is that it shows me how far I’ve come in my own personal growth. How my practice of inviting judgment, allowing judgment from others, and watching it move through me without leaving a mark, has shifted me so much and brought so much peace to my life. So much certainty that other people’s opinions cannot harm me.
Another reminder of my approval addiction arrived this week. It is impossible for that part of me to accept an insult, a funny look, a long silence. To drill determinately at morals and values of our marriage in order to prevent future microdramas - but also future wounds to that section of me that cares so deeply about how I am perceived, who arches above the first sight of incoming disapproval - trying desperately to avoid injury to her fragile, teetering existence. She knows her days are numbered - there is only so much from her I can take. Pulling me this way and that, yanking my emotions. She’s pretending my whole head and heart belong to her. I am free. I have the courage to face her, what’s she hiding under there? A golden mountain of abandonment, a black hole of forlorn mistrust, a garbage dumpster of regrets? Doesn’t she see the new growth forest I’ve nurtured over the years and so strongly those new roots cling to soil. They are real - my real ties to this universe - expansive, rooted-knowing, deep looking and understanding. I’m no longer sprouting off in a way where other people’s minds hold me up like an air plant with roots exposed, disconnected to my truest self, my inner wisdom, the God-life line in me.
It’s perfectly ok if someone has a bad thought, shares negative views about me, or doesn’t feed me the way I might prefer. I am beyond that. I am a transmitting beacon of clarified light and love on a higher mission. The old Beth is dying off, but man she can get overwhelming in short, damaged bursts. I love her for all she has taught me about my own heart, about the true reasoning that morals exist to guide us, and that it’s okay to feel. Feeling brings us closer to truth and love. Feeling raw emotion is the string in the darkness that leads you to what matters in this life, leads you to looking upon/facing your own soul, your own patterns and habits that reflect that innocent unchanging soul. Bringing you unapologetically closer to God. The God in you. The life line - the strand that runs through all beings to interconnect us.
It’s much easier for me to live this way today. My heart is healing and healing and healing. I am still learning to trust myself and other people to come near it, but I have made much progress. I am trusting myself to love with complete abandon, to fearlessly open my heart and shine love on everyone I am close to, everyone I see in a day, and (through meditation) every being on this earth. My ability to give and receive love - and most importantly, BELIEVE that people love ME - is increasing steadily. This growth is what excites me about growing older and being given the time to develop this gift to feel intensely. To let my sensitive nature feed my soul rather than harm it. This is an inner journey that doesn’t require anyone else’s knowledge, but it feels good to share some words on the subject in hopes that some of these words may resonate in your own heart and open it just a smidge. Love you.